The story of the Freemasons will have to wait until later this week (when certain events transpire) but there's something I have to get off my chest.
Now I know that in the blogosphere it can often occur that we post things to make other people - like ex's - jealous or think we're totally fine with something that happened. I am abandoning all that here.
"I stay up, clean the house. At least I'm not drinking.
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking."
- Amy Winehouse, Wake up Alone
I am not okay. I know I said I'm being all dynamic now and doing a lot of cool stuff. And I have been doing very cool things, and getting out more, talking about moving forward in my life, maybe getting a phD. But not for one minute have I stopped feeling like I want to throw up all the time because of what I went through with my ex. I have tried so hard to get past it but there are a million things every day that remind me of her, that I would want to share with her. I miss her so much.
And I thought for a little bit that I was doing okay, but then last night I went to a house party and there was this woman there who looked just like her. And any progress I'd made disappeared instantly and I wanted to curl up on the pavement and die. My friends noticed a change in me, so I said I wasn't feeling well and left the party. When I got home, I foolishly checked her blog. (I mean, if you've fallen off the wagon, why not throw yourself under the wheels, right?) And I found she'd posted all these pictures of a happy vacation she took with him and I was left a total mess. (see? that's how you use a blog. not like this at all.)
So I'm right back to listening to Amy Winehouse songs and laying in bed. The worst part? I'm sure she's totally fine, and happy with whatever guy(s) she's with while I'm trying not to lose my lunch at the thought of it. The second worst part? (of course in this situation there would be two) Even after all the bad that happened, I would still let her back in without a second thought. I miss her so much.
I am not okay.
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4 comments:
i am so so sorry you are not okay. you must remember though, that people mourn relationships in different ways. i doubt throwing herself into the arms of other less attractive, less intelligent men, is only a way to mask her upset. granted i don't know the details of the situation, but i'm sure she will mourn it in her own time. please try not to throw yourself under the wheels. that is a horrible thing to do to yourself! i know it might not mean much, but i'm here if you need me.
when i come in town next week, we will take many many pictures of us together on the town at VIP parties--smiling with stars in our eyes--then post them on our sites & make ALL exes jealous because they can't have what we have!!! i stay far away from all exes myspace, blogs, etc. It is not good for the soul. My friend said, "Don't go there unless you can emotionally handle it." And I never can. It was good advice. Hope you are feeling better soon!
Ditto, what Susie said. I'm sorry. And also, my sister's ex posted happy vacation pictures of him and his new girlfriend, several of which were basically sex pictures (including one of her in bed with only cupcake wrappers covering her boobs). I don't know at all why I included that little inappropriate anecdote, except to say that I know how you feel, and how much the internet can magnify those feelings. Goddamn Al Gore.
But you are Dr. Science! And you like Amy Winehouse, which is a great sign. I'm here too.
Damn.
That's exactly the way I'm feeling - no wonder your play had such resonance with me.
Don't worry, we'll both get through this, and then we'll get cake.
miss you, man!
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