Free to good home: One horrible stomach flu

Although it no longer fits in with my life, I should like to say up front that there is nothing wrong with the stomach flu I have had since saturday and am looking here to give away - as far as they go, this flu will fulfill all your expectations: stomach cramps, headaches, chills, a fever, lots of sweating, and a few other best-left-out-of-print symptoms. These latter features of the stomach flu make it an ideal match for the aspiring supermodel looking for that anorexia-chic. Why, eating will become a futile gesture useful only for social purposes - you won't retain a thing! Eating will be like the hood ornament on the car of your body. Your fashion forward body car, ladypants. Also, there may be some delirium included, I think.