A Transgene Special Report (sort of)

Of the myriad characters created to market products to children, perhaps none were so bizarre as those inhabiting McDonaldland, which opened its doors to the world in 1971. From the milkshake-obsessed, walking, talking tumor known as Grimace to the utterly baffling Mayor McCheese (were we supposed to want to eat his head?) the citizens of McDonaldland presented a puzzling, yet tantalizing, view of a world in which McDonald's food products were not only purchased by everyone, but actually became everything in the world itself.

That is, until recently. From Wikipedia,
Late 2007
As the ongoing obesity epidemic in western nations has been increasingly noted by the mainstream media, McDonald's and other fast food chains have been under increasing pressure to revamp their products and advertising with healthier alternatives. As part of this campaigns, McDonald's has agreed to discontinue marketing to children under the age of twelve and the McDonaldland characters will be completely eliminated;[citation needed] Ronald has been recast as a role model for healthier lifestyles.


This news item, while as yet unsubtantiated from other sources, raises an important question: what will become of those characters who filled the ranks of the McDonaldland Army? What's next for this cast of rogues?

To answer these questions, I sat down with perhaps the most beloved of these characters, the Hamburglar, in his hideout in McDonaldand.
TG: So, thanks for meeting.
HB: No problem, robble. Did you bring those hamburgers I asked for?
TG: (handing over a bag of mcdonald's hamburgers)
HB: (quickly eating the hamburgers)
TG: You're still eating McDonald's, even after the news? You aren't angry with the company?
HB: Hey, think about that for a minute, robble. This is the only food I've eaten for the past thirty-six years. Doesn't that seem strange to you? Like there wasn't any other food around? Why'd I keep trying to steal hamburgers? They made me an addict, robble. That's why. Got me hooked. I try to stop the stuff, I get the shakes. Bad.
And hell yes I'm mad at them. Robble. I'm a kleptomaniac who's got a criminal background and a speech impediment, robble robble, and no work experience in the past four decades. What can I possibly do? Ain't nobody going to hire me now. (the Hamburglar begins to sob uncontrollably)