Nothing is ever boring when it's as loud as possible

The boys of 271 6th ave. were graced with the presence of Andrew's sister Amy this weekend, and we went to a gathering at a local billiards place. Of course, as many of you I'm sure already know, nothing is ever boring or straightforward when Andrew and Amy are involved. Rather than play a simple game of pool, Andrew, Amy and I developed the following version of billiards, to be played with as much irony and spectacle-making as possible:

Patriot Ball/Ultimate Patriot Ball
For one to four players

Coalition: 2 blue balls, 2 red balls, 2 burgundy balls

Enemies: 2 yellow balls, 2 orange balls, 2 purple balls, 2 green balls

Osama Ball: the 8 ball

Objective:
To rid the world of anti-Patriots, to neutralize the enemies of democracy.

Rules:
•All players are working to rid the pool table of the enemies, while protecting the coalition forces.
•You should always try to sink the Osama ball as early as possible in the game.
•You want to have zero enemies remaining on the table while retaining full coalition forces.

If you sink a coalition ball:
1.You must yell out “Patriot Act!”
2.You must sit out your next turn.
3.You must wear the rack or some other demeaning accessory to remind you that you have dabbled as an enemy of freedom.

If you scratch, the Bill of Rights is destroyed:
1.You must yell out “Civil Rights.”
2.You must wear your most outer piece of clothing inside out - and loudly declare that you have always worn it this way - to identify yourself as a bleeding-heart liberal.
3.You must take you next turn with your eyes closed.
4.If you sink an enemy ball while in the process of scratching, you must return the enemy to play (otherwise the arrest would be unconstitutional).

Caveats:
If the Osama ball is the final enemy ball standing, it converts 2 coalition balls to enemy balls.

Ultimate Patriot Ball:
The Osama ball must always have 2 enemies with it. In the event there are not 2 support forces for Osama it will convert one (or two) coalition ball(s) to enemies in order to have allies in its war on freedom.

For more than 4 players:
Force bleeding-heart liberals to sympathize with their fellow enemies of freedom and act as enemy forces.

Enjoy!